Airport Security

The new TOTAL REVEAL machines that screen people for security at the airport are causing too much controversy. People are very upset. Some reports state people's private parts are not visible, but they are wrong. You can see everything all too clearly. Some of the pictures of famous people made it to the Internet and the lawsuits rumbled through the courts like a herd of wild buffalo. Due to the injunction from the court, for now, all machines will be discontinued. People deserve to maintain their privacy and dignity without sacrificing security.

Just when the day seemed gloomy: NEWSFLASH!! The famous actress Jennifer Anistotle has been spotted outside the airport and will be coming through the security line.

This is exciting news. They get to manhandle the famous actress and it's all legal!

This is a job for "Pat-down" Patrick and his trainee Ms. Douchelily. She has gone through a rigorous weekend training program and is ready to get her hands on passengers. Her job is to ensure safety and she has her game face on. Nothing will get by Ms. Douchelily, not on her watch.

Certain items cannot be brought onto an airplane. Most travelers are aware that weapons, drugs, explosives, lighters and other dangerous items such as water, lotion and nail clippers are strictly prohibited. Just imagine a plane full of lotion-rubbing water drinkers. Scary thought. Even your shoes are potential threats. Those too must be removed. Did you know that some shoes can spontaneously burst into flame?! They must be thoroughly checked. And I wonder what's hiding in that "Wonder Bra", it too must be investigated. In fact, just lay down flat and go through the x-ray, it's the only way safety can be guaranteed.

Feel safe yet? If you have any dignity left when you get through security, consider yourself lucky.

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